Navigating grief and unexpected anxiety…
This past week we lost one of my most constant companions – our family pet, my golden retriever Willow.
‘My girl’ (as I would refer to her) and I have been through it over the years, she had numerous challenges; snake bites, hip and knee surgeries, numerous tumors removed and random illnesses, she was a beautiful spirit and a fierce warrior with all she went through; never giving up and giving me signs at every stage that she had the fight and will to keep going – until this last time. With increasing experiences of chronic pain and stiffness she was finding it harder and harder to move – although her spirit was still happy and strong, I knew deep within me it was time to let her be at rest and peace.
But wow – the things I have been through since this beautiful spirit has been part of my life have been intense, and she has been right by my side each and every one. From the happiest moments of my life; welcoming both our kids into the world and the joys of growing as a family and all the beautiful little moments, to others such as purchasing our property and building and enjoying our home – she has been there.
However, it has been the harder parts of my life where I grieve her consistent presence the most. She was with me through significant work and professional stressors that almost broke me, the loss of grandparents and other family members, the loss of our deeply loved third baby (and having my husband overseas when the loss happened), and then the long journey through that loss and grief. Through sicknesses, my husband’s journey with chronic pain and some horrific medications, the late nights studying, the overnight wake up’s with babies and then night wakes up’s with sick and unsettled kids.. my girl has been by my side through it all... And now she is not. The loss of her felt enormous for me to face.
I knew that I wanted to have a goodbye that was timed and planned rather than losing her at a time of crisis or when the timing was taken out of our control. It meant I could prepare myself and prepare my kids to move through the layers of our grief that I knew would be there. This has meant that this whole process of preparing, saying goodbye and honouring our girl has been a really intentional process that has been both heartbreaking and really beautiful for us as a family. And since she has passed, I have been so mindful of being with my grief and sadness not trying to speed it up or distract myself; because I know that this is my way through it - by being with it. In my professional life and with my family at home I support people to not fear our big emotions and so I myself knew not to fear this feeling of deep, deep sadness within me.
What I wasn’t prepared for however..
What I wasn’t prepared for was the experiences of anxiety that I had in the days following. Anxiety that at times felt so intense it felt like it had the potential to swallow me up and leave me ruminating in fear and worry. These thoughts were terrifying thoughts that appeared to be completely unrelated and came out of nowhere. So, instead of letting it completely consume me, I became curious about this, leaning into my knowledge, learnings and the teachings that align for me – which are, that anxiety is not a feeling but rather thoughts and an act of the mind, triggered by the sensation of alarm that I feel in my body. So, here’s what I have done.
So, here is what I did…
I acknowledged these thoughts knowing my brain is trying to protect and prepare me (as it is drawing on the information from my previous experiences and the parts and experiences of mine that have not yet integrated into my system).
I untangled and separated myself from the thoughts and instead got curious with what is happening in my physical body.
As I did this, what was strong within me was a sense of alarm that I physically felt.. sitting right next to my sadness. It is this sensation of alarm that was driving my anxious thoughts as my mind tries to become congruent with my body.
I was then able to acknowledge, be with and work with this part of my system (the alarm in my physical body) and I almost immediately felt the terrifying thoughts disappear. Each time these thoughts have returned I am able to feel a little deeper within and return to my somatic (body) work (which helps me integrate this feeling of alarm).
(I acknowledge that it is certainly not as simple as I have put in writing here).
You are not alone.
While I have written this in part to help me process and make sense of my journey, I share it with the intention to help people understand the kind of work I do, and for others to know that you are not alone.
Through my work I talk with people regularly that are in the midst of something really tough and they are often feeling so alone. You are not alone and there is definitely help and hope available.
When we are able to get curious about the wisdom within your body as you journey through the tough parts of life, it empowers you with knowledge, understanding and less overwhelm. It can help you find a way to the supports you need or things you can do.
There can also be times in our life when choice is either taken out of our hands or something big happens and we are feeling consumed. I acknowledge that choice at times can be a privilege that is not afforded to everyone. And so, I also love to help people explore where there are places and spaces in your life where you can have or create choice even if it is small. (something I was supported with once that was so critical to my journey).
This is also work that I support parents to understand about their kids and how kids show us through behaviours the alarm sitting in their system, making sense of experiences and how we can help support our kids to release and integrate parts of their experience that get stuck. It may mean you find someone else to walk the journey with you a psychologist, social worker or counsellor for ongoing therapeutic support. However, if you are after something different, just wanting to talk about or explore any of these ideas or approaches, or explore with someone how to find the right ongoing support for you, I love to help people make sense of where they are and feel empowered to know where to for the next steps.
Touching back on the grief for our kids - while there are many extra things we can do to help support our kids through grief, which are really important to know, I believe it is what happens within you that will help them the most.
If you or your kiddos are journeying through grief, tough or stuck times and would like some support, please reach out, I’d love to help if I can.
Extending kindness and compassion to you as you journey your unique journey. Kellie x
Kellie and Willow on our last day together.